While I was pondering ideas around labeling (see Labels blog post), I came back to the conclusion that I often do the same thing to myself. It seems surprising as I have avoided, for most of my life, any and all attempts to be ordinary, to relinquish to conformity. So I find it amusing, and perhaps a little appalling, that I have inadvertently put myself into a box in other ways.

Taking a step back to a few weeks ago, Capt. Awesome and I were cruising the channels on Netflix, visually walking the aisles to find an item on the shelf, and paused at Metallica’s documentary, Some Kind of Monster. It chronicled two years after the band lost heir bassist, Jason Newsted, while making their next album, St. Anger. It was a very honest and raw assessment of one of the greatest metal bands and how egos, manipulation and control can unravel even the most successful of artists.

But what resonated the most with me was the universal struggle most artists feel to create something original and the fears and lack of confidence that always seem to go hand in hand with that plight. “It sounds like stock. Doing a guitar solo makes us sound dated.”  These were just some of the comments sprinkled amongst other I’m afraid and I’m scared responses. Even after 20 years of success (at the time of the documentary), selling more than 125 million albums worldwide and creating songs that will forever stand the test of time, elements of self doubt and concerted efforts to stay relevant but true to their style, remained pervasive throughout the entire documentary. It’s as if all previous achievements were wiped clean from the slate and they were starting from square one again.

As strange as it sounds, it’s comforting knowing this feeling never truly goes away…if even those who have found this kind of success still endure and struggle, then maybe I’m not so crazy for being haunted by my own insecurities, eh? Perhaps the goal is to never let these feelings interfere with the act of creation.

***

One Sunday morning a couple of years ago, Capt. Awesome and I were watching CBS Sunday Morning News, the only news show I watch…because yes, I am getting old! Seriously, who needs the sensationalism and negative world view much of the news presents to the public. I’d rather be inspired by stories of the art, nature and the good in every day people. But I digress…

With M. Night Shyalaman’s movie Glass out in theaters, he’d come back into the limelight. The instant success of The Sixth Sense, catapulted Shyalaman’s career and since, he has taken us along for a roller coaster of a ride. I continue to come back to his work expecting to feel the same sense of wonder, excitement and suspense, waiting for him to pull back the curtain and reveal the wizard as I am perched on the edge of my seat.  Sometimes I do. Sometimes I don’t. But I feel that way listening to some of my favorite musicians too. Not all creations are encased in gold. That’s the beauty and subjectivity of art.

The interviewer kept reminding Shyalaman of his past failures and asking if this new movie is a comeback. But I love his response…that failure is merely part of the process. Find the lesson and move forward. No career follows an exponential path. Closer inspection shows the hills and valleys along the route. Which means creating a few lemons along the way is necessary. Who knows if Glass will rank up there with some of his greatest hits that forever sealed his fate in Hollywood. But I still come to the table with the same eager anticipation as always.

Total Aside: I think I am one of the few who loves Lady in the Water. Not sure why that one wasn’t well received. Again, the beauty and subjectivity of art.

***

Then I think about Harper Lee, who after writing such a masterpiece, To Kill a Mockingbird, vowed never to publish again. (In fact, it was her lawyer who released Go Set a Watchman to the publishers.) Was she so fearful that after hitting the first novel out of the park that any subsequent work would pale in comparison? That is was better to sit back on the sidelines and deny one’s gift than to strive forward and potentially create another American classic?

Is it the habit of the creative process that propels us forward to new ideas, new miracles and revelations? Can our fears keep us from that propulsion? And is that a disservice to merely one or to all?

***

I remember hearing one women at a portfolio review tell me that my work was here, as she held her hand up to indicate some invisible quality marker. Then she tells me I have the potential to bring my work to here – again raising her hand slightly higher. I’m sure she was giving me a compliment of sorts…at least I tried to view it that way. Then she tells me I have plenty of time and to perhaps wait to put my work out there so I would not be associated with the work I was currently doing. And just like that, I immediately dropped back into the harsh reality of, sure let’s call it constructive, criticism. I remember coming out of that weekend feeling total bewilderment and decided to take some time to reflect and quiet that voice in my head.

Many of the critics at that portfolio review were still married to the more traditional ways of photography. Mind you, the previously mentioned critic did embrace digital manipulation as a form of art, but the majority seemed quite opposed on principal alone. I find this odd since so much of the art world is about breaking barriers, denying the rules and expanding into new realms of ideas, thoughts, styles, etc. But there was, and is, the obvious struggle, push and pull, between trying to create work that was not so heavily manipulated but still creating work that is my own, in my style.

I can only strive and look to the those previously mentioned artists for inspiration and encouragement, recognizing that creating a few lemons, or two or three, along the way is a natural part of the practice. 

And you, dear art lover, may not find resonance, like or care for some of my future works. And that’s okay. The world will still turn and I will still reach for my camera.

Because the greatest travesty is to stop creating altogether.