In My Wake, A Trail of Fear
There are benefits to working at an organization that engages leading entrepreneurs to learn and grow. You get access to strategies, ways to continually improve yourself, create actionable goals and set forth a plan to properly execute. The other day I was instructed to create a personal MAP (Measurable Accountability Plan) for myself. One focused on my own personal goals.
The task was difficult to complete, as I had to dive deep to understand what I really wanted, what success looked like to me and then follow up with a list of actions to perform on a weekly, monthly basis in order to reach those goals. Admittedly, it was a little scary to see everything on paper. Yet at the same time, I felt a cloud lift and drift upwards emitting a ray of light over my intentions.
I don’t know how many times I’ve heard it….you have to set goals for yourself. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you see yourself in five years? 10 years? Blah blah blah. I told myself this rhetoric was meant for those who couldn’t remember everything they needed to do. Or perhaps they were so anal in their daily lives they enjoyed being controlled by a piece of paper…but not me! Yes, that was the naïve me talking. The younger me who might have been a little unsure of myself and what I really wanted out of life. Or even worse, lazy(!) as creating a road map actually meant following it!
But now that all the bread crumbs lay out before me, I know the way. It’s a relief, not confinement.
The strangest thing happened with this epiphany of sorts. The fear that’s always sat high and mighty on my left shoulder took a back seat. Now that’s not to say that I don’t still confront this evil beast with concerns over rejection or failure (wouldn’t that be nice!), but they no longer sit in the fore front of my mind. I’ve removed the emotion from the tasks at hand. It’s now not about the fear of being rejected or ignored by a gallery, but about trying to reach my quota on contacts a month. That simple mind jerk paradigm shift has released me, to a degree, from my internal prison of thinking.
How freakin’ liberating is that!
Now with the road map tucked firmly in my grasp, in my wake, a trail of fear I leave behind me.
Side note: I still expect resistance to rise up in an attempt to wear me down. That’s the one thing within that never really truly disappears. It’s learning to ignore those dangerously sweet nothings whispered in my ear (encouraging me to beach on the couch, binge watching the latest show). Understanding my passion outweighs the fear of failure or regret. It’s good to have a few mentors that can pluck me from the depths of mental despair.
So if you’re like me, sitting quietly in bed, alone with your thoughts, pick up one of these.
The War of Art by Stephen Pressfield
The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp
Steal Like An Artist by Austin Kleon
and my favorite….
These will keep you warm at night.
And if this doesn’t do the job, listen to The Warmth, by Incubus. It’s sure to inject a dose of ______ (whatever you need to hear or feel) to move past the fear and remember why you came.
Original Posting - Sept 2015
Now that I have officially slipped away from the 9 to 5 to focus full-time on my art, this process of building out a road map is even more critical. On top of it, I've set up accountability partners (yes, plural meaning more than one) and I've built out a 4 month marketing calendar. Who knew being a full time artist would involve so much administrative work....but such is the way of the solopreneur.
Of course, fear is still ever-present. She never fully goes away. But I've learned to mute her incessant chatter with projects and task lists. It may seem a bit unglamorous, but my scattered brain needs order otherwise time runs away with my day and I feel like I have nothing to show for!
But one thing I can say....committing to a full time creative career is greatly fulfilling. I shake my head wondering why I didn't do this sooner. But better late than never. The path ahead is full of mystery, but the trail behind me is littered with the hesitation and doubts that were holding me back.
The 20th anniversary of 9/11 was yesterday. TWENTY YEARS! I read some of the transcripts from passengers who were able to call out before their planes went down. It brought tears to my eyes and feelings that feel so fresh even after a couple of decades. It reminded me of the last scene from Saving Private Ryan as Captain Miller whispers to Private Ryan..."Earn it." Life can be over in a second for inexplicable reasons; be it tragic or otherwise. We so owe it to ourselves to live our best lives, follow our dreams and love with our whole heart.
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Behind the Scenes - In My Wake, A Trail of Fear
These fields called for nakedness. There was something about the undulating curves molded by lava and the coolness of the air that mimicked the contours of the human body. It wasn’t the first time clothing magically disappeared from these courageous bodies…and most certainly won’t be the last.
After all, the human body is a work of art in its own right.
The rawness of the landscape dictated a nude form and KD was kind enough to model in this scene…with Jen close by to hand her clothes once the scene lay captured.
So easily, all it takes is a moment to close my eyes and instantly I am transported back to that day. The scent of the landscape. The briskness of the air. The feel of the shaggy carpet beneath our feet… My friends, a few rocks over smiling, laughing and doing what they do best.
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Feel free to share this newsletter with your art lover friends. Leave a comment. Drop me a line. Until next time.
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